Thursday, May 12, 2005

In which I blog about efforts to be egoless

So last night at sitting practice, I was seized by the fear that if I put research in progress on my blog, someone would steal my brilliant ideas and get famous with them and I would be accused of plagiarizing them. Now this sort of theft is a legitimate issue, which people in Blogistan have been thinking about, and there are practical measures that can be taken to avoid it. But none of that is important right now. This is personal blogging.

The thing is, I was seized by the fear. My interior comment thread was hijacked.

The thing is, I felt as if theft had already happened; I was already robbed of my ideas and left in academic ignominy. The thing is this was completely silly, because I hadn’t posted much yet, and my blog has a readership of about 50. And because I don’t have any ideas worth stealing.

The thing is, this is exactly the sort of brain seizure that I meditate in order to avoid. My fear was so egotistical, so clingy. There are these things (these objects, a bunch of ideas) that I have identified as myself (my nature, a part of my value). If these things are taken, I will be destroyed.

The thing is, ordinary ways of responding to legitimate concerns just make things worse, when I am being so clingy. Will the public record of Blogger protect intellectual claims? Perhaps I should be more careful about what I put up? These are just other ways of being defensive.

I am the sum total of the events that my life comprises. No one can take that away from me.

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