Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Parable of the Shit in the Municipal Water Supply

[This parable is meant to be free floating, and can apply to a huge number of issues Democrats are asked to compromise on.]

Randolph "Randy" Nelson would like to vote Democratic. He wants universal health care. He opposes adventurous wars abroad. One thing holds him back.

“My family has been taking a shit in the municipal water supply for eight generations. It’s a part of our heritage, and we don’t take kindly to outsiders telling us where we can shit.”

A lot of politicians are hearing Nelson’s message. “I knew I would be called a flip flopper when I came out in favor of shitting-in-the-water-supply rights,” says Dale Looserville, a state representative “but the proud tradition of dropping your pants and spewing filth into reservoirs was simply too important to my constituents.”

Effete city-dwelling activists disagree. “These people are shitting in the water supply!” exclaims Thurston Wannabe Classtraitor IV. “My family drinks that water,” he adds. “Of course, we can filter our water, but what about all the people who can’t or don’t?”

Others believe that money lies at the heart of this issue. “Sales of bottled water are now vital to Coka-Cola’s profits,” says industry watcher Susan Industry-Watcher, “that’s why they give so much money to politicians like Looserville.”

Experts also note that past efforts to stem shitting in the water supply have failed. “The past five laws on this issue have greatly damaged the shit-dependent economy without any noticeable effect on the quality of the city’s water,” says Wordsworth Notatallaclasstraitor XXVI, of the Totally Funded By the Shit Lobby Institute. “The bottom line is simple: you can’t stop people from shitting where they want to shit. If the Democrat party continues to interfere in shitting-in-the-water-supply rights, they are permanently marginalizing themselves.

For NPR News, I’m Jason Lopez.

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