Unhealthy Love Week!

Every year at this time SLU sponsors "Healthy Love Week" full of good advice on matters both physical and emotional for good relationships, both short and long. Its all communication and condoms all the time. This year the email they sent announcing the start of healthy love week included a treacle poem: "Some people come into our lives and quickly go/Some people move our souls to dance/They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom." Blah blah blah.

As much as I recognize that everyone needs sound, nonjudgmental sex advice, I am rather tired of Healthy Love Week, and therefore am announcing the start of Unhealthy Love Week here at Big Monkey, Helpy Chalk. Unhealthy Love Week exists to highlight some of the most spectacularly dysfunctional relationship practices out there. Including:

Emotional Blackmail! What better way to keep your partner with you than to threaten suicide? But don't be fooled into thinking that emotional blackmail is an easy trick that anyone can use. It takes a lot of hard work and practice to make yourself so pathetic that the suicide threat looks real. But never doubt that the hard work pays off. The most adept emotional blackmailers can not only blackmail people into staying in relationships, they can actually use emotional blackmail to start relationships. "Go on a date with me, or I will throw myself under a train!" Its something to aspire to.

Grudge Sex!Have a fight with your partner. Pretend to make up. Have extremely vigorous intercourse. For some couples, this is the foundation of their relationship. Remember: Hate is a passion, too.

Model your life on romantic comedies! Catholic League president Bill Donahue claims that "Hollywood loves anal sex." If only it were true. Really, Hollywood loves stalking! And couples that don't have to talk, because they just know what the other person wants! (Like on BSG a few episodes ago, where Helo just knew that Athena wanted him to kill her so she could resurrect aboard the Cylon ship and rescue their baby, so he shot her. I would have cleared that plan with my beloved explicitly first.)

Join me in Unhealthy Love Week parading atrocious habits for all to see!